


smaller

by bartcnwinterhawk



Category: Marvel
Genre: Harley Keener is a Good Bro, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Teen Peter Parker, Trans Peter Parker
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-13 16:41:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29779077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bartcnwinterhawk/pseuds/bartcnwinterhawk
Summary: Peter has an eating disorder and its tearing him apart.i still suck at summaries
Relationships: Harley Keener & Peter Parker
Comments: 8
Kudos: 21





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> tw for eating disorders, please read at your own caution.

Peter has an eating disorder. He knew he did. But still, he was in denial.

His head likes to try and convince him that he didn’t, that he was really just seeking attention. But you don’t get much attention from keeping such a secret.

See Peter was clever, clever enough to let the vicious disease eat away at him without much notice from anyone else. His eating disorder started six months ago, and although it wasn’t long ago, the irreversible damage had been done.

Skip breakfast, eat a small snack at lunch and then he ate family dinner. No one was suspicious of him, not Tony, Pepper, Harley not even Ned or MJ, so the bad habits continued.

At first, his eating disorder started from Peter wanting some control. His life was moving too fast, Aunt May had moved away, he was moving in with Tony and the stress of being spiderman was getting a lot, not to mention having to deal with constant gender dysphoria that came with being a trans teenager in highschool.

Peter knew he’d lost whatever control he had once gained. He knew his eating disorder was the one who was controlling him now.

Today was a bad dysphoria day, Peter so badly wanted to curl up in bed and pretend he didn’t exist, but he had school. So instead, he pulled himself out of bed and went for a shower before proceeding to struggle to put on his binder.

The sight of his flat- _ish_ chest brought him some relief.

After getting dressed into some of the baggiest clothes he owned, some of which had belonged to Harley, he made his way to the kitchen to wait for his brother to finish eating.

“Want a waffle?” Harley asked.

“No, and can you hurry up how long does it take to eat?” He replied slightly angrily. Peter found that his ED made him angrier than usual, something he struggled to control, perhaps the one thing that he hated the most.

“I’m sorry, bad sleep, I think I’ll go wait with Happy.” Feeling slightly guilty for raising his voice with his brother, Peter made his way to the black car that was waiting outside.

Peter stayed silent when he got in the car, he sat in the back, it was his and Harley’s agreement that he sat in the back on the way to school but he got shot gun on the way home. He knew that Happy wouldn’t say anything to him either, he enjoyed Happy’s quiet company.

“Dad said to bring you something to eat.” Harley handed Peter the cereal bar. Peter hated those cereal bars, not because they didn’t taste nice but because they were far too high in calories for a small bar.

Peter muttered a thank you before stuffing the cereal bar into the front pocket of his backpack, where several other cereal bars were. Harley spoke to Happy for the majority of the ride, he was typically the more out going of the two of them.

“See you boys later.” Happy said before dropping them off at the front of the school.

“You’re supposed to eat the food dad makes me bring you.” Harley said as they walked in together.

“It’s too early to eat, I’ve told Mr Stark that plenty of times.” He could feel himself getting angry again. “I’ll see you in chemistry.”

Even if Tony and Pepper weren’t becoming suspicious of Peter, Harley certainly was. Harley always found a way to offer Peter food and he always asked him what he’d eaten. Sometimes Peter hated it, he hated the thought of his brother knowing what he was doing, but other times Peter was grateful to have a brother looking out for him.

Peter’s day went slow. His morning was spent trying to disguise the loud grumbles coming from his stomach. Truthfully, he enjoyed the feeling of his empty stomach, the growling, but if anyone else knew that they would be concerned.

It got to lunch, Peter ate the small snack that consisted of an apple and some low calorie popcorn. He ate slowly, slow enough that by the time MJ and Ned had finished their lunches, he had only eaten half the packet of popcorn.

On the inside he smiled, proud of himself as he logged the calories into his phone calculator. Peter was scared of downloading a calorie counting app, scared of what Tony could see him doing on his phone.

Peter stumbled as he stood up from the lunch table.

For a brief moment, his head went dizzy and his vision went black. By the time he steadied, he was receiving weird looks from his friends, he brushed it off by saying he stood up too quickly.

As they walked through the busy halls of midtown high to their chemistry class, Peter felt weak. The dizzy, legs giving in kind of weak. He was relieved as he sat down on his stool, where he leant against his brother whilst they waited for their teacher.

“Can’t believe I have to sit next to you.” Harley said with sarcasm.

“You love me.” Peter mumbled.

“You feelin’ alright? Lookin’ kind of pale there Petey.” It was a comment he received often. Peter was always being told he looked pale, paler than usual. He, of course, had googled all of the symptoms of anorexia, and therefore Peter knew it was a common symptom.

“Am all good.” He insisted.

He zoned out during chemistry, Peter was thankful that he had brother to rely on doing the experiments for him. Studying was harder nowadays. He found it hard to concentrate, he found it hard for his mind to focus on anything that wasn’t food related, consequently some of his grades started to drop, no matter how hard he tried.

Tony had brought it up with Peter last month, Peter had gotten upset, having felt that he had let Tony down, but Tony insisted that he hadn’t. Since then, he’d been trying to study more, which worked out better for him, more time studying meant more excuse to ‘forget’ to eat.

“Shot gun.” Peter said as they walked to Happy’s car together at the end of school, despite the spot being guaranteed his.

Once alone in his room, Peter took of his binder, despite so badly wanting to keep it on. Tony rarely got angry at him, but when he left his binder on too long was one of those reasons why.

Catching his reflection in the mirror, he paused and inspected his body in the mirror.

He admired it for a moment, admiring the way it looked, how small and fragile he was beginning to look. But then he remembered that he had put on a few pounds last month which he still hadn’t been able to get rid of.

Then the small moment of joy was replaced with sadness. Just how it went every time he looked in the mirror too long.

His fingertips poked at the fat on his stomach, then his cheeks. Turning to the side, he took in a deep breath before tracing the pads of his fingers over each rib. He wanted to be smaller, he wanted all the fat gone. The fat that rested on his hips and boobs, the fat that made him look too feminine.

That was another factor of his eating disorder. He thought that it would help him to not look like a girl anymore, but every time he looked in the mirror, he still saw the girl that he used to be.

Peter understood that he was sick. He had read that people with eating disorders often didn’t understand how sick they were, but Peter did. He knew exactly what this disease was doing to him, he knew all the lies it was telling him, yet he did want to stop it.

“Peter?” It was Pepper.

“In the bathroom, one second.” Quickly, he threw on a large hoodie, and wiped away the tears he didn’t know had been there.

“You alright?” She asked as she embraced him in a hug, he nodded. “Tony made dinner, he made your favourite.” Peter no longer had a favourite food, good food was too high cal, low cal food was too tasteless and plain.

Fear rose up inside of him as the smell of mac and cheese wafted down the hallway. Pepper was somewhat correct, when Peter and Tony first met, mac and cheese had been his most favourite food, but that was over a year ago. Now, the food scared him, the pasta, the mass amount of cheese, it was practically Peter’s biggest fear.

He sat down at his usual spot at the dinner table. Peter knew that eating dinner with everyone else was the best way to keep his family unsuspicious of him, but he liked it best when they didn’t have family dinners, when Tony was busy in the lab, when Pepper had meetings and when Harley was out with friends, those were the best nights.

“Here you go underoos.” Tony smiled as he put the plate down in front of him.

“Thanks Mr, um Tony I’m not too hungry right now.” Peter said, feeling somewhat bad for denying the food he had cooked for him.

“Just eat what you can.” Pepper smiled, reaching her hand out to put on his, rubbing her thumb up and done comfortably.

So that’s what Peter did. He nibbled at the garlic bread, making sure to eat it slow, whilst also drinking several glasses of water. Trying to avoid the mac and cheese, he took three bites of it at best before placing down his fork.

He tended to drift into his own thoughts during dinner. Whilst everyone else talked about their day, Peter’s head spun with numbers and calories and food and the thought of his body. Pepper tended to ask him the odd question, but otherwise they let him be.

“How are you feeling Pete?” Pepper asked when it was just the two of them left, cleaning the dishes together.

“I’m good thank you.” He smiled, he still wasn’t particularly good at telling that lie despite the thousands of times he had told it.

“You sure?” She asked again, “You’re looking pale and slightly green.” There it was, that same comment he always heard.

“I’m sure.” He forced out a smile. The conversation came to an end and Peter went back to drying the dishes in silence.

Alone his room, Peter started to cry. He didn’t know why and he didn’t care to stop the tears.

Maybe it was the dysphoria, maybe the dysmorphia, maybe it was the constant lies he told or maybe he just missed his Aunt. Peter didn’t know why he was crying, but it felt good.

Leaving his homework untouched, Peter climbed into bed where he cocooned himself into several blankets. As he closed his eyes, he let himself drift into his own thoughts, the thoughts he was sure would kill him one day.

“Petey?” His sobs stopped as he heard the familiar nickname being called out. Only Harley called him that.

“Go away.”

The bed dipped down ever so slightly as the boy sat down besides Peter.

“I came to ask for some help on the homework, but this seems more important.” Peter rolled his eyes, he was only ever wanted when people needed answers.

“What’s wrong?”

That damn question. Peter hated the question, too much was wrong.

“Nothing is wrong Harley, get out of my room!” Peter raised his voice, almost screaming into his pillow.

“Shall I get dad?”

“Get out.” His voice cracked as he begged Harley to leave. A moment later, the dip in the bed disappeared and he heard the sound of his bedroom door lock.

And then Peter was left alone. Left with the realisation that his eating disorder was tearing him apart. Yet still he just watched as it did so, he didn’t want help, he just wanted it to be over.


	2. pancakes, pranks and mario kart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter has an eating disorder but that doesn't mean he can't do normal things with his brother. 
> 
> how do people even write summaries ???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for eating disorders please read at your own caution.

Eating disorders fuck up your head. Peter had seen it do so. 

He struggled with his memory now, and he found it hard to concentrate, this inevitably meant his school grades dropped, rather dramatically too. 

But the thing Peter realised that it fucked up the most was his thoughts. God he couldn’t go a day without feeling like he wasn’t sick enough or he was doing it for attention. He knew both of those were wrong, but still his head came up with them again and again. 

Peter hated his thoughts, sometimes he wished he could get his mind to be quiet. It was worse at night, definitely. Being alone, in the dark, nothing to occupy his head besides the thought of numbers and calories. The thought of being small and skinny, so skinny that it was sickly. That’s what Peter craved. 

Eating disorders take over your life. Peter was no longer the superhero with the best grades in the class with heaps of friends. No now he was the kid who barely passes his classes, the kid who struggled to pull himself out of bed in the morning, not because he’s too tired from staying up too late but because he physically lacks the energy, and now he’s the kid that nobody talks too. 

Of course, he still has Ned, Ned would never leave Peter, no matter how hard it got or how ever many times Peter tried to push him away. Ned was his guy in the chair, and he always would be. 

Ned was the first to notice Peter’s awful eating habits and Ned was also the first to reassure Peter that whatever he was going through would be ok. Peter didn’t believe everything would be alright, no matter who told him, no matter how many times he was told it. He didn’t believe it would be alright because he didn’t want it to be alright. It was awful, Peter knew that, but he didn’t want help, he just wanted to get sicker and sicker. 

Peter was sick now, too sick. He barely looked it though, he wasn’t underweight and he still had some muscles to him, so he, just like the majority of the people around him, carried on thinking that he wasn’t ill, well not ill enough to need help. 

Tonight was just like every other night, Peter picked at his food, hardly any of it leaving his plate. Then he avoided his shower, too scared to look at himself, too dysphoric to want to be reminded that he was in the wrong body. He wastes his evening lying in bed, scrolling endlessly through his twitter timeline, he only occasionally goes out on patrol now. Once his twitter timeline ran dry, he thought and thought and thought until he was in tears as he drifted to sleep, hoping that magically overnight everything would be alright again. It never was. 

Peter had come to the conclusion that waking up sucked. 

Every morning his peace was disturbed only for another day of disappointment. He hated it. 

He didn’t want to die, Peter knew that much. Sometimes he may want to the world to pause or to not wake up, but he certainly wasn’t suicidal. He still had plans for his future, a future when he was recovered from his eating disorder and where he was saving the world as spiderman, the spiderman who doesn’t get out of breath from walking up a flight of stairs. 

“Good morning Dipshit.” Harley leaped onto Peter’s bed before rolling on top of his brother to squish him slightly. 

“I hate you.” Peter mumbled from beneath him. 

“I love you too.” Harley got off of him and laid down besides Peter, looking up at his ceiling. “Mum and Dad have gone out, wanna make pancakes? Then after that we can play mario kart, oh and I totally want to play a prank on dad.” 

“Sure.” Peter replied with little enthusiasm. 

“The levels of excitement in your voice are out of this world.” Harley was as sarcastic as Tony, Peter worried that he spent too much time with the man. “Pancake time, come on.” Having far more energy than Peter, Harley bounced off the bed before grabbing Peter’s arm and pulling him out to. 

Walking down the hall to the kitchen, Peter walked slowly behind, rubbing at his eyes and yawning as he struggled to wake up.   
“Do you know how to make pancakes? I don’t.” Peter chuckled and nodded his head. With his eating disorder came a love for baking, he wasn’t sure where it came from but now, he knew he was the designated birthday cake baker.

The two boys spent their morning singing and dancing in the kitchen, Harley nearly burning the house down as he jumped around, and Peter simply laughing at him. Peter had missed days like these, feeling like he was free with nothing significant to worry about other than a math quiz. 

After spilling pancake mix all over the floor and hitting the ceiling with half cooked pancakes when trying to flip them, they ended up with a stack of the most delicious but not the best looking pancakes. Peter smiled when he looked over to see his brother’s happy face. Harley spent most of his time around Peter looking worried, it hurt Peter’s heart to see him so concerned all the time, that’s why he relished in seeing his brother like this. 

“Do you want Nutella?” Harley asked as he reached up into one of the higher cupboards. That’s when the realisation hit Peter that he would actually have to eat some of the food he’s made. 

“Umm just syrup, the low cal one.” Peter said guiltily. 

Whilst Harley wolfed down the first two of his pancakes, Peter struggled to even eat a few bites, but he didn’t want to spoil the good morning they had been having. 

“Why do you bake so much if you hardly ever eat any?” Harley asked after noticing him pick at his food. 

“Not got much of a sweet tooth.” Peter chuckled before taking a bite of his food, as if to show his brother that he does in fact eat. 

“Oh fair point.” Harley knew he was lying, he had seen Peter eat full family sized bags of sweets before, but he didn’t ask any further, not wanting to over-step.

Peter had taken up baking as a way to feel in control, the thing he had lost so quickly. He felt in control every time he made cookies and didn’t take a single bite of one, or when he watched everyone else eating cupcakes he had made. He liked the weird feeling of control, it was something he craved more than he ever could food, especially when he felt his whole world falling apart. 

Once they’d finished, Peter found himself slipping into his own head again. He often went quiet after eating, too occupied with guilt. As if he could gain a noticeable amount of weight from just two small pancakes with syrup and strawberries, he wrapped his slim fingers around his wrists, just to check he could still make them touch, he let out a breath when they did. Then he found his hand reaching beneath his shirt, he shivered as he touched his own cold skin. With his delicate fingers he felt for his collarbone, leaving his hand there for just a moment longer. 

He was brought back to reality by Harley waving his hand in front of Peter’s face. 

“I said do you wanna play mario kart? You zoned out.” 

“As long as I get to be Bowser.” He forced out a weak smile, trying his hardest to seem normal. 

“Bowser’s lame.” 

“Says the guy who plays as Toad.”

“He’s cute at least.” 

Several games in, Peter was on a winning streak and Harley was getting visibly more annoyed as he turned his whole body whilst trying to get the kart to turn on the screen and a deep grumble left his mouth when he fell into the water. Seeing him through the corner of his eye, Peter laughed and carried on with ease.

“You’re only winning ‘cus you’re a nerd who plays video games all the time.”

“Well this nerd certainly is kicking your ass.” Winning yet another race, Peter laughed and laid down on the sofa, resting his head on Harley’s lap as he waited patiently for him to finish. “Gotta get some practice in if you wanna beat me.” 

“Shut up.” He rolled his eyes. 

They played for hours and hours, spending the majority of their day alone playing the video game. Peter continued to win them all, Harley won two of the races, but only because Peter was falling asleep as they played. Realising his brother was fast asleep on him, Harley turned the console off and put on a movie.

It was rare for him to get to spend much time with Peter. They only had a handful of classes at school together and outside of school Peter was usually busy with Spiderman things, or he was simply in his own room, not wanting any company. 

Only whilst braiding a small plait in Peter’s hair did Harley notice how fragile he looked. Sure, he knew that Peter had lost some weight and wasn’t eating much, but he didn’t realise just how bad it was. His cheeks were sunken, his skin was pale, his arms were thin and his fingernails were brittle. It horrified Harley, how could he let his brother get this bad?

Peter woke up on the sofa alone. It was much later now, he could tell from the setting sun outside. With no one else around, he headed for his room, only then did he realise that the doors to Tony’s lab were open. He wandered in to find Harley staring angrily at the main computer. 

“You spend a lot of time in here, you know how to hack into Dad’s computer system.”

“I’m not sure Mr Stark would like that.” Peter warned. 

“Oh come on Pete, this is our one chance to pull a prank on the old man.” That was enough to convince him and soon enough Peter was hacking into Tony Stark’s computer system and messing with way too many things he shouldn’t be. 

“He’s gonna kill us.” Peter warned. 

“All part of the fun.” Harley winked. 

Whilst waiting for Pepper and Tony to return home, they sat on one of the sofas in his office, an episode of family guy was playing on the tv. 

“Hey Pete,” he turned to look at his brother, “you know, if you need, you can always talk to me about anything.” Peter nodded, although he was doubtful that he would ever take the offer up, talking about himself, his feelings, was a scary thought and Peter didn’t know if he wanted that. 

“I’m sorry for shouting at you the other night.” Peter apologised. 

“Don’t worry about it.” Harley was too kind, Peter knew it, he was the luckiest boy in the world to have a brother like him. “If you need to talk I’m here, and I’ll keep any secrets you need me to.”

“Thank you.”

Their peaceful moment was cut off by the sound of confetti and a robotic version of a mariachi band playing loudly behind them. The two boys burst into laughter and turned around to see their parents covered in strings of colourful confetti, their hands covering their ears. 

“Harley! Peter!” Tony shouted out their names before dropping his head in his hands. “Damn kids are too smart.” He said to Pepper, trying hard to speak over the robot band. 

With smiles on their faces, the two boys high fived, proud of their grand prank idea, the prefect way to end their pretty perfect day together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's a slightly more light hearted chapter bc brother bonding time   
> i wasn't going to add this as another chapter but i guess it is now lol
> 
> well if you're reading this i'm guessing you have an ED, if so please look after yourself, drink some water and know that you are always sick enough to get help, i love you and so many people care about you
> 
> we'll get through it <33

**Author's Note:**

> I find that writing about my own feelings through characters really helps so here's this, i might add another chapter to it but i'm not sure. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, and please know that you are loved and if you are struggling with an ed right now you will get through it. stay safe <33


End file.
